This Life as I see it

The stigma. The expectations.  The looks. Society and the approval needed.  It's too much and I just don't want to do it anymore. I wasn't sleeping, my mind couldn't slow down. I felt like I was going to black out, worried about my heart... anxiety.  I have learned that mourning is a big part of life.. like grieving, not beautiful sunsets and a hot cup o joe.  For me, grieving isn't a one part thing, it is ridiculously complex and slightly confusing. We have spent time grieving what we thought life was going to look like and time accepting that it is going to look differently. I had expected that my life was going to look exactly as I had always dreamt... wife, mom, social circles, world travels, big moves, promotions, aunts uncles grandparents, the whole shabang. Never in a million years did I think I would have huge bumps along the way, heavy topics to wade through, the worlds heaviest decisions to make, and then.... all the other normal stuff of wife,mom, social

 Toby Jay Keiser On August 17,1966 the Keiser family was given one of the greatest gifts they would ever receive. Marilyn delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy, Toby Jay Keiser, who would soon to be the life of EVERY party. He entered the world screaming and he totally made sure his voice would forever be heard. His mama, my grandma, was young when she had her first child (my dad, Terry). Following that she went on to have 2 more babies before having Toby. He was the youngest of four and welcomed with open arms and a neighborhood full of kids ready to meet him. His mom was his biggest fan and his sister, Tammy, loved to treat him like her own baby, even though she begged and begged for a little girl. You see, Grandma Marilyn, was only 17 when she got pregnant with her oldest who was 18 years old when Uncle Toby was born. He was the baby of the family, Tammy's personal baby doll, and dad and Uncle Tim's little buddy that they drug to college events and the Beta house. The age d

It's not about the number. It isn't about a bad year or a global pandemic. We were all unraveling.  We needed to be stopped in our tracks and reset.  Money, things, glitz and glamour. Gossip, lies, false realities. Newsflash: Social media isn't actually LIFE. When the world shut down, it was all taken away. We were all FORCED to look within... to expose those dirty little secrets and to deal.  We lost jobs, money, community, the ability to move fast and unintentionally. We couldn't cover up our lives on insta anymore. Suddenly a fat dose of reality was served... what's this life? What am I making of mine? WHO AM I and what GIFT do I need to be GIVING? Light is being shed in my life and cockroaches are dispersing. For me, it's in my relationships, and clarity is in full contrast giving me no option but to SEE who is there and what kind of mutual love is being given. I see my husband and our marriage has never felt so secure. I cherish that man and everything he s

PEP TALK! You didn’t sign up to be a homeschool mom... me neither. Nonetheless one that schooled from homes and couldn’t take them anywhere... to see anyone... to any playground, bounce house, museum, library. They can’t see their friends, or their grandparents. It’s hard. Here is the silver lining: life has been so busy. Everyone is running from one thing to the next, constantly. Sometimes you don’t even get that one on one time to truly bond with your kids b/c you’re so focused on getting to your appointment on time. Things are closed, how will you entertain them? For me, God has slapped me in the face to say.. YOU DONT NEED TO ENTERTAIN THEM!!! LOVE THEM. TEACH THEM. SNUGGLE THEM. They are MY gift to you. This has been such a sweet reminder that we are enough. I love having everyone under one roof. We’re cooking together. We’re doing chores together. We’re going on runs and hikes and i’m teaching them to run! (Like distances). We’re learning, not just schoolwork, but life

For those of you who were interested in the addiction post, I kinda left you hangin'. He was bailed out,  ended up with a blood clot to the lung, went to rehab, walked out the same day, was arrested that night and put back in jail. He was bailed out, put on probation, violated probation 2 weeks later and arrested for selling. The mugshots are remarkable... you see the cycle. The affect of drugs.. exhaustion.. malnutrition... extreme sadness...embarrassment... disappointment. This is the first time I feel so sad for him. I'm sad for my dad who continues to get his hopes up, continues to believe his words and that he is ready to get well (because that's what parents do, always). He isn't ready and he may never be ready. Can you even imagine how terrible he feels right now? The cold jail, withdrawals... terrible, terrible withdrawals, people screaming, nasty food and no communication with the outside world. The calls he does make are full of shame and the peopl

Courage. It breaks silence.  Everyone has a story. Some are happy, some are sad, some are still untold and forced to be buried.  As a child, our normal is molded by our home life. We believe truths that we are given, the pictures that are painted for us. We don't know any different, this normal is what becomes our reality. Parents want their children to have a better life than they had. Lets be real... bad stuff happens. What do they tell us and when do they choose to protect us? Some people are encouraged to keep their story quiet. Maybe silenced verbally and forced to internalize it all, or maybe to just ignore it and "focus on the positive". Maybe our childhood reality still stands. If your reality is still accurate,- WHOA!!! That is love, dude.  That is raw.. and real... it's truth covered in tons of unconditional love.  THAT is so beautiful.  Aging is so interesting. It's fun, awkward, weird, crazy......and interesting. My mom had a sign