This Life as I see it

As I drove up the W Road, I could see the greenery, the morning light. I could see the water trickle down each waterfall, feel the gas under my foot, but there was no noise. Even my thoughts, just pictures. Pictures of the last year, seeing my baby Doll for the first time, seeing Adam's face go from fear to total loss of control... seeing him, knowing he couldn't do anything, watching him cry helplessly. Pictures of the NICU, and then of every time I've handed my Doll over to someone and her look of confusion... my feeling of absolute fury that I couldn't explain it. Pictures of every time I've laid her down on an exam bed, watched her scream, feeling the urgency to snatch her up, nurse her and run. Pictures from my memories of stealing her and just running. Where in the hell have I been this last year? As I drove up the mountain, <<< BAMMMM>>> the sound popped on LOUDLY all at once. I heard my kids screaming in the car, Kids Place Live... I

Life is hard. All of it. People are jerks, like most of them. It’s just how it is.  It makes me crazy.  I feel like I have this tiny little treasure box in my heart full of emotions. I keep that sucker locked most of the time. Sometimes i’m triggered and it gets unlocked. Rude people, kindergarten starting, a sassy 5 year old, someone who’s passive aggressive... whirlwind. I go spiraling! You know why? Because emotions are BIG and HARD and they’re ALLLLLL mine. I have every right to want to punch someone in the face for judging me without knowing any of the story...    but then, I gotta release that crap.  This is what i’m working on currently- not letting people’s actions create a reaction in me. Easy peasy, yeah?  Psssh. Legit, the thing I suck at most in this world.  It feels like all of my “hards” are flared. The relationships that I struggle with, they’re driving me bonkers. Dollies disability- were about to head back for another spina Bifida clinic and to