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People are jerks.


Life is hard. All of it. People are jerks, like most of them. It’s just how it is. 

It makes me crazy. 

I feel like I have this tiny little treasure box in my heart full of emotions. I keep that sucker locked most of the time. Sometimes i’m triggered and it gets unlocked. Rude people, kindergarten starting, a sassy 5 year old, someone who’s passive aggressive... whirlwind. I go spiraling! You know why? Because emotions are BIG and HARD and they’re ALLLLLL mine. I have every right to want to punch someone in the face for judging me without knowing any of the story...  but then, I gotta release that crap. 

This is what i’m working on currently- not letting people’s actions create a reaction in me. Easy peasy, yeah? 

Psssh. Legit, the thing I suck at most in this world. 

It feels like all of my “hards” are flared. The relationships that I struggle with, they’re driving me bonkers. Dollies disability- were about to head back for another spina Bifida clinic and to schedule another surgery. Sassy 5 year old- heads to kindergarten in 3 weeks. Finances. Addictions. All of it: up in my FACE. 

I learned some bad habits growing up, primarily how to be a mega codependent. Surrounded by addiction... I begged to be seen and heard. When you do something for 30 years, it’s pretty habitual. Those habits totally carry out in my adult life... super annoying. So i’m always working. Always seeing myself and calling myself out, taking a deep breath, trying again. 

How’s it workin out for me? 

Well ok... it could be better. But I constantly make myself proud in my growth. Specifically within my marriage. Marriage is SO hard, we have to work ALL.THE.TIME. This weekend was so good, we communicated so well about hard things. I felt more protected, more loved, and more seen than I ever have in my whole life. I need that. I need Adam... his love, understanding, and protection. I need to be reminded that I’m not doing it all for nothin’ and that I have someone to split the hard with. To carry me when i’m dragging... and to lift me when I do desperately need to be lifted. 

Thank you husband for lifting me this weekend and for words of encouragement that remind me to keep on keepin’ on. One thing at a time, one day/hour/minute at a time. 

Today I want to snuggle a sweaty baby, pretend she doesn’t have to have MRI’s/surgeries/ and pokes, and take a hot shower... maybe have a 3 pm coffee. 
Tomorrow, take on the universe. Or go school shopping and do some Lincoln logs with Brooksie. It’s all relevant? 
💕

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