It breaks silence.
Everyone has a story. Some are happy, some are sad, some are still untold and forced to be buried.
As a child, our normal is molded by our home life. We believe truths that we are given, the pictures that are painted for us. We don't know any different, this normal is what becomes our reality. Parents want their children to have a better life than they had. Lets be real... bad stuff happens. What do they tell us and when do they choose to protect us? Some people are encouraged to keep their story quiet. Maybe silenced verbally and forced to internalize it all, or maybe to just ignore it and "focus on the positive". Maybe our childhood reality still stands. If your reality is still accurate,- WHOA!!! That is love, dude. That is raw.. and real... it's truth covered in tons of unconditional love. THAT is so beautiful.
Aging is so interesting. It's fun, awkward, weird, crazy......and interesting. My mom had a sign in our kitchen that I will forever remember. It read,"With age comes wisdom, but not a hell of a lot else." I guess I've gotten wiser? I know I have totally gained some lbs, some wrinkles, and a ton of insight into WHO I am and WHY I am 'me'. It felt like, for me, as I have waded through life I have begun to really question my story. I have questioned the truth I was told and felt a burning desire to fill in the blanks. It became liquid fire when I also realized that I have a voice and began to feel called to use it.
Truly, I don't know about wisdom with my age... lots of typical aging stuff... lots of insight... topped with a lot of courage. Whether it was intended to be this way or not, my voice was not allowed to be utilized. I wasn't heard. I was painted a pretty picture because that was a mode to protect me, it was love. However, I saw what was happening, I felt it. I just didn't have the clarity, the voice, or the courage to challenge it. I was a kid.
Addiction was strong in my household. My brother began using around 15 and at 41 he struggles now more than ever. I honestly don't know how he's alive. It started with pot... cigarettes... gambling. It went to opiates... then to meth and heroin. He has been in and out of jail and the hospital. He has tried to detox by himself, in the hospital, and in rehabs. He has lost everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Its devastating to watch, especially when there is nothing you can do. It's like watching a freight train coming full speed about to smash into a car stuck on the tracks. My parents have loved him the best way they've known how. They have supported him, given him food and shelter. They've clothed him, driven him places and loaned cars. They have given so much, they have nothing left to give. They are literally bare to the bones. They have bailed him out, picked him up, given him a warm shower, a full belly, and a nice cozy warm bed to rest in.
It's not enough for an addict. It will never, ever, be enough.
Society thinks addicts are just assholes...selfish, pain inflicting, assholes. They're so so sick. Dude, they don't even know HOW to be an asshole. Their brain can't even say, "Go ahead, John... make her feel bad about how she looks" or "Yeah, he ruined your day... let's make his bad too!". They have no intention or hurting anyone, but they will do ABSOLUTELY whatever it takes to prevent withdrawals. Everyone talks about "scoring that next high" but, once you're this far in... the highs don't mean anything anymore. It's the sickness. The sickest sickness you could ever imagine. Throw up with diarrhea, shakes, nights without sleep. You can't eat and you can't drink water. I've been told it's like being in the middle of the woods and not being able to find water. You have to go days without water, but then you find it and you chug it.. and puke it back up. You feel as though you're having a heart attack, your chest is caving in. Nobody matters. Nothing matters. Just MAKE THE SICKNESS STOP!!
Once you are past the detox, you may think... they're good now. Get a job, a car, go to counseling... they can have a normal life. "If ole johnny would just 'turn his life around'. No.
Everything has to change. Your mind has to change. Everything reminds you of using drugs. Everywhere you have used, every person you have used with, the foods you ate while using, the shoes you wore when you had to walk 5 miles that one time to find something. Everything becomes a trigger. You now have to avoid every single trigger that will remind you of your drug of choice. Because if you are triggered,
...there is NO stopping that thought....
When we are triggered to our sin pattern... say angering and screaming, what do we do? We sit in the sun, go for a walk, take a nap, or go have a coffee with a friend. An addict can't do any of these things because they can ONLY now think about that drug. They use it once... the cycle starts over.
What a mess. Right?
It's chaos, it's so much drama, it's infuriating, and so full of hatred. It's the devil's fanciest trick, and his scariest one. The eyes of someone using.. they are black. There is no color and no life. The soul is being totally overtaken by deceit.
So, yeah, my brother. He could use some prayers, so could my parents. Addiction manipulates anyone it comes in contact with and ,without God, you don't stand a chance. I am choosing to pray for freedom for my brother. Freedom from addiction and from the hold it has. I'm praying that the Lord gets in there and fights this battle because I know, only He can win. Freedom for my parents, for their pain and confusion. Freedom to be able to live a life full of peace with full nights of sleep. Freedom for me.. to let go of the anger I harbor about the whole situation. For God to use me as a vessel to be transparent with my own children and to teach them in a way that will stick. Tomorrow, he goes to court to have his case heard and to see what the future holds.
Lord, I beg you to hear my plea. Let your voice be loud and guidance clear on the next steps. Please Lord be with my brother to give him Hope in You. The judge, to let her see the full picture and that he needs help, and for my dad as his heart will continue to break into a million pieces.
Let there be peace that surpasses ALL understanding. In your name I pray.
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