For those of you who were interested in the addiction post, I kinda left you hangin'.
He was bailed out, ended up with a blood clot to the lung, went to rehab, walked out the same day, was arrested that night and put back in jail. He was bailed out, put on probation, violated probation 2 weeks later and arrested for selling. The mugshots are remarkable... you see the cycle. The affect of drugs.. exhaustion.. malnutrition... extreme sadness...embarrassment... disappointment.
This is the first time I feel so sad for him. I'm sad for my dad who continues to get his hopes up, continues to believe his words and that he is ready to get well (because that's what parents do, always). He isn't ready and he may never be ready.
Can you even imagine how terrible he feels right now? The cold jail, withdrawals... terrible, terrible withdrawals, people screaming, nasty food and no communication with the outside world. The calls he does make are full of shame and the people he does call are over it. He's alone.
His body has become dependent upon heroin. It doesn't know how to survive without the drug. I've heard it described once like being lost in the wilderness on day 2 with no water... you just CAN'T FIND THE WATER. What about the emotional turmoil? I can't even begin to think about that. He hates himself and the decisions he has made. He is being forced to look at the destructive trail he's left behind and the worst part: he can't numb.
I mean... NO WONDER he keeps numbing. For me to even begin to imagine that type of pain makes my heart crack right down the middle.
So, he will have a court date and they will decide what they're going to do... again. He will probably be released, back to the streets, where this drug will take his life.
My question to you is: what's better...jail or the streets? We all say, um duh: "jail, of course!!" He will get clean, be forced to look at his life, find Jesus, choose health and reconciliation, and the court will order rehab. Guess what...some people don't want that. Some people don't want to keep living, they don't want to reconcile, they want to be high. You can't MAKE anyone want anything. And why on earth should a rehab facility waste a bed on someone who is going to just walk out and get high the second you cut of the arm band? If your heart doesn't desire change, there is no place for change.
Another crazy thing... the court may not even order it. The judge hears hundreds of the exact same cases every single day. I hate to point out the obvious, but that same judge is probably super jaded to the "junkies" who come in with the same story and beg for help and a lesser sentence. They swear that they have people to live for and are ready to "get their life on track". How do you pick out the one's who mean it and the one's who are just ready to bust out of those doors, grab their phone, and shove that needle back in the vein?
Everyone has their demons, don't be fooled. It might be heroin, it might be gossip... it's all the same. I know his life can't continue at this pace. I know he won't live much longer... this is something I KNOW. I pray that he is free from this demon sooner than later. That the chains are broken and he is free from this addiction. I pray for his kids.. because DAMN IT. I pray for my dad and his constant heartache. I pray for that judge to save his life. And I pray for all of us... who are using, who have used, for the demon's and the struggles, for the kids to teach and the words to use. Lord knows I've got mine, God set me free from them and help me love my husband and babies well. Help me be better. Give me patience and kindness and take all of this yuck from my heart. Stop my judgey thoughts, stop my quick tongue from cutting people with hateful words, and help me turn to YOU first before anyone else.
This is the first time I feel so sad for him. I'm sad for my dad who continues to get his hopes up, continues to believe his words and that he is ready to get well (because that's what parents do, always). He isn't ready and he may never be ready.
Can you even imagine how terrible he feels right now? The cold jail, withdrawals... terrible, terrible withdrawals, people screaming, nasty food and no communication with the outside world. The calls he does make are full of shame and the people he does call are over it. He's alone.
His body has become dependent upon heroin. It doesn't know how to survive without the drug. I've heard it described once like being lost in the wilderness on day 2 with no water... you just CAN'T FIND THE WATER. What about the emotional turmoil? I can't even begin to think about that. He hates himself and the decisions he has made. He is being forced to look at the destructive trail he's left behind and the worst part: he can't numb.
I mean... NO WONDER he keeps numbing. For me to even begin to imagine that type of pain makes my heart crack right down the middle.
So, he will have a court date and they will decide what they're going to do... again. He will probably be released, back to the streets, where this drug will take his life.
My question to you is: what's better...jail or the streets? We all say, um duh: "jail, of course!!" He will get clean, be forced to look at his life, find Jesus, choose health and reconciliation, and the court will order rehab. Guess what...some people don't want that. Some people don't want to keep living, they don't want to reconcile, they want to be high. You can't MAKE anyone want anything. And why on earth should a rehab facility waste a bed on someone who is going to just walk out and get high the second you cut of the arm band? If your heart doesn't desire change, there is no place for change.
Another crazy thing... the court may not even order it. The judge hears hundreds of the exact same cases every single day. I hate to point out the obvious, but that same judge is probably super jaded to the "junkies" who come in with the same story and beg for help and a lesser sentence. They swear that they have people to live for and are ready to "get their life on track". How do you pick out the one's who mean it and the one's who are just ready to bust out of those doors, grab their phone, and shove that needle back in the vein?
Everyone has their demons, don't be fooled. It might be heroin, it might be gossip... it's all the same. I know his life can't continue at this pace. I know he won't live much longer... this is something I KNOW. I pray that he is free from this demon sooner than later. That the chains are broken and he is free from this addiction. I pray for his kids.. because DAMN IT. I pray for my dad and his constant heartache. I pray for that judge to save his life. And I pray for all of us... who are using, who have used, for the demon's and the struggles, for the kids to teach and the words to use. Lord knows I've got mine, God set me free from them and help me love my husband and babies well. Help me be better. Give me patience and kindness and take all of this yuck from my heart. Stop my judgey thoughts, stop my quick tongue from cutting people with hateful words, and help me turn to YOU first before anyone else.
Emily, I continue to learn from you. Sending love.
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