dark as night.

Today feels blah. 

I am sad... tired... alone... depressed. 

It feels like I have noone to call, noone who understands and honestly I think my support system is just tired also. 

Supporting someone who is struggling is hard. There is so much encouraging, inviting and loving that goes into supporting a friend who's in a tough spot. It gets old... always having to reach out and check in. Always having to be the one to sprinkle some positivity, it can wear anyone out. 

Lately it has felt like a dark cloud is following me around. It feels like the enemy is constantly feeding me lies about myself and who I am. I feel distant from God, I am struggling to hear Him. I long for old relationships with friends and family. I miss playdates, jokes, getting a beer. I miss going shopping with my mom. I miss alone time with my husband. I miss My Morning Jacket. I want a weekend getaway.

I'm worried. We have 9 days until Dollie's next surgery. It is on her clubfeet, it's a 3 hour surgery and we will go home the same day. Sept 12 @ 7:15 am. Dr. Johnson will make an incision on the inside of her foot, she will cut every tendon and piece of soft tissue and then pin her foot in the correct position. The hope is that scar tissue will form and  prevent the tendons from wanting to reconnect and pull her feet back into a clubbed position. She will be casted for 6 weeks after surgery and then her new feet will be revealed. I'm thankful that she will be given the platform for additional PT and the ability to build muscles everywhere to give her independence. 

I'm annoyed that everyone is going to say, "Oh yay! She's going to have a surgery so she can walk!" 

To be honest, I'm like totally over people focusing on walking and asking about it etc. We will always give Dollie every tool needed but never plan on forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do. We will continue smashing it with Physical Therapy, incorporate in OT and any other therapies she may need. I hate that she is having another surgery. I hate that I can't explain it to her. I dread handing her off in pre-op. I dread taking her to a hotel where she will try to nurse all night and I'll have to tell her no... sorry baby, you have to fast. It makes me want to vomit to think of the 3 hours that she will be under anesthesia... how scared I'll be... how scared she will be. I want to puke. I dread sponge baths for 6 weeks and figuring out how to make her comfortable. Will she be able to sit? Can she get in her bumbo.. her swing... carseat? 

I want to scream.. LEAVE MY BABY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop looking at her like that! Stop touching her!! Stop asking questions!!! 

Leave her alone. 

I want to take her and jump on a plane and go to paradise where she will eat only ice cream day in and day out, nurse all day, co sleep, play in the sand and swim all day. I want Jim James to play us private concerts and sleep looooong hours. I want no more financial stressors, pressures on relationships, or me questioning myself over and over. 

Lord, please take this anxiety from my chest. Let me hear you. Whisper to me that you've got this, that you will always be holding my sweet girl when I can't be. Lift me up, rip the sorrow from my heart and fill me with gratitude. Surround me with Godly people who will always refocus my eyes on you. Lord send your guardian angels and have them stand tall around all four walls of my home. Send extras to surround Dollie's crib. Lord, keep the enemy away. Protect my mind and my heart. Jesus, remind me of who I am, your child. Comfort me, sweet Father and PLEASE Lord protect my Dahlia. Hold her.