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today, I sucked.



Momming is all I know right now. It's legit my whole life. Every smile, every struggle, every meal, every activity, all of it, #momlife. I would apologize for the repetition of mom talk, but if you're reading this you might be a mom too. Maybe not. If not, this is MOM LIFE- harder than thug life.

SO MUCH HARDER than thug life.

SO as a mom you're always talking to other moms... WHOA, has your child ever... today was SO hard!... I hate these hours!!!... what did you do when so and so did this?...

Like on a daily you hear."We have just had a DAY!" "So and So has been a PILL today!" "It's been a STRUGGLE"... "He's been a BEAR!" That's polite. Kids can be JERKS. Not pills... not bears... JERKS... straight up butt heads.

Today I was a terrible mom.
I yelled. I cussed. I said SHUT UP! I used words like stupid, made all the threats. . . it was ROUGH! Here is the TRUTH: nobody was a pill and we didn't have a "day"... I just sucked. My kids were total butt heads. At times I absolutely hated being a mom. HATED it... them... all of it.

Why was it a bad day?

Here's how today went: I woke up, made everyone breakfast, had a shower!!! and drank some coffee. Both big kids went to school today. I had Bible Study. Everyone had a great nap, I cleaned. What went wrong? How was it so hard? WHERE WAS THE FLIPPIN' HICCUP!?

It's so crazy to think of all of the mom's and all of their stories. Nobody is just cruisin' through momming. You may THINK so via their Insta... FALSE! It isn't true. No mother absolutely ALWAYS loves momming. No mother ever goes through life never missing her previous life. Every mama has a story and they may seem so kosher and simple to another mom... man she has it so easy! Her husband is a dream, her kids are always put together, she has a nanny, lucky mom. Yeah no- its HARD regardless of the situation.

You might be pregnant with your first baby. Or your second... they might be 11 years apart. You may be on your second marriage and excited in a whole different way than your first time daddy husband is. You may be freaking out inside.. "Am i really doing this again? Do I even remember what I'm doing?" You may have been really looking forward to one on one married life time. I feel for you, mama.

This might be your third or fourth... girl. You have a super supportive husband, you make gorgeous babies... and you are terrified of the paralysis that post partum is about to have on your life. I feel you, mama.

You could be momming a child with special needs. One that you adore. You can see her light and ALL of her worth.. she's going to take over the world. Is anyone else going to see that? Are you going to watch people break her sweet heart... pop her bubble? I totally feel for you, mama.

What if you've been raising a baby boy and suddenly your family is being broken apart by divorce.  The fear... how will I do this alone? Am I going to ruin him? Real deal scary stuff. Mama... I so feel for you.

AHHH it's ALL hard.

All. Of. It.

Newsflash! Instagram doesn't show any of the realness. The heartache or the feeling of bringing someone into this world and having them HATE you at times. You just expect the respect to be reciprocated and the love to be so mutual.

Cough cough...There is no friendship in momming. If there is for you- COOL!! It's our job to raise someone we would seek a friendship with. We are CALLED to raise kind humans and that means we have to be the bad guy, like a LOT. We have to make the heart breaking decisions daily... by the minute. Sometimes we hate our kids (but we love them always).

Truth is you just need someone to tell you- GOOD JOB mama. I need no judgement, no eye roll, no advice... just GOOD JOB. You may not be killin' it, but you're doin' it and that's a win in and of itself.

 We're all failing miserably daily. Today I FAILED. Tomorrow is a new day... I'm gonna start again. I'm gonna go sneak into everyone's rooms and hug my babies. I'm going to pray and apologize for sucking today. I'm going to ask for help. I'm going to tell Lola I'm sorry and I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.  I'm going to ask her to pray with me and for me.

Tomorrow I won't cuss. I won't say shut up. I will try my hardest not to tell. BUT I will continue to do everything in my power to raise kind humans that will one day teach me life lessons. They may not thank me for birthing them or keeping them alive but they I pray that they will hug me and tell me they love me just the way I am, too.






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