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Here's the deal...



It feels like so many people have "felt sorry" for us... they have "felt" for us... pitied us even. It legit confuses me. I get that we were dealt something super unexpected, but to be completely honest with you, I think I always knew. I always feared that I couldn't do it.. and I AM... we're doin' it and it is not life taking.... it is so life giving.

Yes, we have a child who was born with a physical difference... some would say a physical disadvantage. Is that different than my disadvantages internally? My heart is ugly at times... I judge, I anger so quickly, my patience is like... ugh. Can I run? Yeah. Can I be kind to my children? Not always. Do I "hate" that woman who is perfectly skinny in her beautiful range rover with freshly ombre'd hair in her lulu lemon tights and long puff Patagonia stumbling in from yoga class to pick up her child? Sometimes.

That's envy. That's coveting.... you know those sweet little ten commandments?  You know that one that says "Thou shall not covet"- yeah I'm doin' it. Like a lot.

I'm trying to take this life in my own hands, trying to control any and all things... yeah - WRONG. I have to be surrounded by people who remind me I CANT DO THAT BUT HE CAN.

My point is this: PLEASE don't feel sorry for us. We are richer than we have ever been. We have a home FULL of babies and love... we have full bellies. We have a covenant marriage that was done before Him. We have a roof...we have a VILLAGE of people who would lay down and die for us. We have a super sassy 4 year old who says things like "Thank you for your courage" and "Just think of me when you get scared". She is a 4 year old with an old WISE soul. She constantly brings us back to the ground and reminds us who we are and what our values are. That baby's gonna change lives.

We have a 2 year old who walks into a room and all eyes turn to him... because he's cute? Sure. But more than that because he carries this light that everyone needs to see. He has humor. He's everyone's friend. He is all things boy, keep ya on your toes, make ya belly laugh and also ask you constantly "mommy, you otay?" because his heart is so so so kind. Totally life GIVING. That baby's gonna give so many people so much happiness.

We have an angel baby that was gifted to us from our Father himself, which is why "Dollie" (a gift from God) is so fitting. That baby will teach you strength... she can zone out every single noise (pr procedure) in life just to connect eyes and share a smile. She is the snuggliest, happiest, most chill little flower child one could have ever BEGGED for. That baby's gonna move mountains.

We are Rich.
Poor.
But Rich.

We have what so many people pray for... family.

Our sweet Spina Bifida baby is not a curse... but a total blessing. She has allowed us to see life in a whole new lens. THANK YOU GOD FOR THAT. We are living this life differently that imagined but He has COVERED us with His grace. I see every flower now. Every tree.... every animal, even random wildlife. My eyes are open to His beauty. The sky is bluer, the air is crisper, the snuggles are sweeter.

I mean these things.

Are the appointments hard? Yes.

I don't love her any less.

Are the surgeries unbearable? Yes.

He carries me.

This year is for me.. 2019 is for me to focus on me. I’m going to love big, get coffee with friends, go to Bible study. I’m going to let babysitters babysit while I  get a massage, or see the dentist... haircut..nails done. I’m going to GET RIPPED with Bodyback and workout without my kids. I’m gonna quit drinking so much wine, eating so many sweets and wear those beautiful Free people bell bottoms. I’m doin it- who’s with me?

Xoxo 2019 #dome

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