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.total transparency.



So, becoming a mom is one of... if not THE... most difficult thing you can ever go through. Is it beautiful? Absolutely. Do you feel like the luckiest person in the entire world? Yes. It's scary. It's so much pressure.
Everyone paints this picture of "yeah, it's so hard! You don't get sleep. It causes stress in your relationship. It's so expensive! Well yeah...but so does prom night.

Those things are so so so so minor in the grand scheme. I (someone who requires a real 10'hours of sleep a night) have become totally cool with 4! Coffee. It's one of life's most beautiful pleasures. Wanna know what's hard about becoming a mom?
Missing your old life.
Freedom.
Feeling lonely. Yes, it's loud, you're always with someone... but you miss adult interaction... conversation... you may even start losing some hard earned brain cells.
Worry. Fear. What will be my childs struggles? Will they have friends? Will they be bullied? And for what? How am I ever going to give them the tools they need? Am I repeating the cycle that I was a part of? AM I GOING TO RUIN THEIR LIVES? Heavy stuff, man.

Raising a child with special needs is hard. Not because she is hard. Because I am so scared for her. How will I ever protect her? How am I ever going to explain to her the pain she undergoes!? From surgeries.... from people staring... from her not understanding WHY this happened to her. How will I ever understand why?

Right now i'm struggling. I'm struggling because I can't possibly give myself evenly to three small babies and my husband too. Someone is always angry with me. Everyone needs me and I just can't seem to give enough. Nobody understands the weekly trips to Vanderbilt or why they can't come too. Dollie doesn't understand the trips and truly hates them. She is fearful that everyone she meets is going to hurt her somehow. Why? Because that's what she knows... surgery... brain mris...casting. She associates me shushing her and pacis to me trying to distract her from pain. It's hard.

Nobody can ever do the right thing, in my opinion. If you stare, i'm mad. If you ask a million questions, i'm mad. I'm just mad and i'm slowly trying to navigate through society. I feel an obligation to update everyone on how she's doing.. that makes me mad too. I have to relive it like 600 times a day. Why can't she just be a baby... a sweet cooing little baby doll... my Dollie Mae? Why does she have to be Dollie Mae, the baby with spina bifida? Why does everyone need to know if she will walk? What her scar looks like? I DONT KNOW. I pray she will. But I just don't know an di really don't want to even think that far ahead.

The worst part.... they ask because they CARE.

WHY CANT I CLING TO THAT? Am I that ungrateful? Like... THANK YOU everyone in this world who has prayed for my baby. THANK YOU for caring. Thank you for wanting to see us, for asking. THANK YOU and forgive me that my heart has anger in it. Forgive me for my ridiculous thoughts and questions, it's a ME problem that i'm working through. So, please.. bear with me as I figure this all out.

Momming, not for the faint hearted!



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The stigma. The expectations.  The looks. Society and the approval needed.  It's too much and I just don't want to do it anymore. I wasn't sleeping, my mind couldn't slow down. I felt like I was going to black out, worried about my heart... anxiety.  I have learned that mourning is a big part of life.. like grieving, not beautiful sunsets and a hot cup o joe.  For me, grieving isn't a one part thing, it is ridiculously complex and slightly confusing. We have spent time grieving what we thought life was going to look like and time accepting that it is going to look differently. I had expected that my life was going to look exactly as I had always dreamt... wife, mom, social circles, world travels, big moves, promotions, aunts uncles grandparents, the whole shabang. Never in a million years did I think I would have huge bumps along the way, heavy topics to wade through, the worlds heaviest decisions to make, and then.... all the other normal stuff of wife,mom, social
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