That's today. It just feels rough.
I try to remind myself that THAT feeling doesn't come from God. He doesn't give me stress and worry, he gives Peace. My worry is my lack of trust in His plan... that's a 'me problem' and something I will FOREVER have to pray about and work on.
Faith...ya'll, it's so real.
Give me MORE Lord, let me feel your presence today. Cover me in peace and remind me that you are with me. That your plan was written SO SO long ago, I can trust in YOU to get it right. It's not on me to put the pieces together, take away my stress and let me rest in you.
SO. HARD.
It's the day to day hardness of trying to juggle two children, keep my house clean, take care of myself, stay in my devotion, work part time, trying to be a better friend, trying to love well while feeling as though I may blow a gasket... like my head might REALLY just fly off my shoulders... finances, baby needs and the nesting that comes with it, making sure we have dinner, just ALL the things.
But then there is the worry of when is my next doctors appointment.. the dread that comes with that.
I never realized JUST how much I took pregnancy, labor/delivery, nursing for granted. Both of my children were SO easy. My pregnancies were joyful, ultrasounds were so exciting. My labor and delivery has been a dream with both of my kids. I've gotten an epidural, hung out with my husband, eaten popcicles, and pushed for a few minutes while Dr. Brody blew bubbles and BOOM- meet sweet, fat, perfectly healthy, snuggly baby! They take them, put them on your chest and suddenly the mother/child connection begins and baby stops crying and tries to nurse. It's beautiful.
My babies nurse right away, I have plenty of milk, we have had no issues with latching, they have had no allergies, and they have grown right on cue. They have gone exactly as planned.
These ultrasounds aren't normal. They typically last about an hour and a half and your whole body is tense the entire time. The ultrasound tech will go over each part of Dahlia's body and take measurements while not saying a word. There are no "Awww look at those little feet!". These are less "Is she sucking her thumb" and more "I hope the dilation in her brain ventricles has gone down" or "Is her kidney still dilated?"
Today we went and looked at cars since the Forestor is in NO way going to carry our whole fam any longer. We looked at the third row SUV's and it took every sales pitch he could throw to get me to look at the Honda Odyssey MINI VAN. As I looked through the van I thought things like... well this would be practical if we end up having to have a wheelchair. And the captain chairs would make it really easy for me to get to everyone in case someone needed something. It's hard to have those thoughts and stay peaceful in them.
Here's what I have realized- today I need love and support. My peeps. A Bible verse or reminder that everything is going to be FINE. Maybe a hug. A glass of red would be amazing.. or like 3 (soon, my friends... soon). I need to remember that this is a job I was chosen to do and that I will do it and rock it.
Tomorrow is new. I will try again. I will ask for Him to remind me that I'm not in control and He is. That He's got this and these hard days will soon be a memory as I hold my sweet teeny tiny angel baby. Oh Dollie Mai, I long to hold you! To hug you. To look YOU in the eyes and tell you everything will be ok. I am your mom and I will fight for you forever. You will forever be my baby and you will be perfectly and uniquely YOU. I can hardly wait for you my sweet girl.
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