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no story is over.

We have a friend who is an amazing musician- don't you just love those friends?! I have been wrapped up in his latest CD where he sings that "No Story Is Over". I listened to this song a solid 15 times trying to really figure out why it struck such a chord in my being. The song talks about how the curtains close, the lights go off, and everyone scatters. They make their way “back to the city to live and dream to see the world through all that we’ve seen.”

I envision meeting someone, hearing their story, stamping a label on their forehead and being done with it. How often do we do that??

"Do you know Sarah?" "Oh yeah, I went to high school with her... she was a cheerleader and dated John. She was wild... she's still friends with Liz." Suddenly we think we know exactly who Sarah is! She's some wild cheerleader who likes guys who four wheel and listen to Skynrd. Since Liz went to rehab 5 years ago, Sarah must be a strung out junkie these days.

LIKE WHAT IS THAT?! It was only a SOLID 17 years ago... pretty sure life has changed. Why do we stamp her this certain way as if we know what she's about, who she is, her interests?

In my situation, I would definitely be a too cool, drug exploring, pretend widespread fanatic who cares so much about what people think of me that I don't even have a minute to really explore who I am.  I had no idea who I was... trying on one hat, swapping it for the next... a baby trying to navigate through life. No way anyone would have predicted that I would become a Jesus loving stay at home mommy who likes making jewelry and doing crafts with her 4 year old.

First of all lemme say- THANK YOU GOD THAT I SURVIVED! Thank you God that I waded through the uncertainty and decisions WELL (maybe not great but... good enough) and that I made it to this side. This side of ME. The real me. The me I have always searched for and yearned for. The Me that was always buried in there deep beneath some fluff and fabric.

I love the wife, Mama, daughter, sister, friend that I have become..  and that feels GOOD. I’m such a work in progress but I am so proud of who I’ve become. What a sense of joy and freedom one gets when they can finally drop the act and just LIVE... live as  God intended you live. In 17 more years I will look back at how much I’ve grown and I hope I can be proud again. The truth is.. I can change by the day. The minute. The SECOND... what a breath of fresh air.

This has all really hit me lately as we begin the next chapter of our lives. I realize that this sweet baby is in NO WAY defined by her physical strengths and weaknesses or her diagnosis. None of this will make her who she is... she is already knitted perfectly together exactly as she was meant to be. She is a BABY... a sweet teeny tiny human growing in my belly with a heart full of God, a soul so complex it will push and pull her for years, and a mind that will help her make decisions along beautiful yet extremely wild ride we call "Life".

We all have a story and the beauty is that it's ours. It in no way labels us a certain way, it's just part of how we have gotten to where we are and that is ridiculously cool. I am totally a work in progress and evolving by the minute... I am so thankful for grace and the ability to start again every second of every day. I always have the ability to hit the refresh button, to apologize, to re-evaluate and try again. That is enough to make me thankful this Mother's Day... I think becoming a mom MAY have had a little bit to do with this insight... so today I just want to say:

Thank you, God, for making me a mom.

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let. that. shit. go.

The stigma. The expectations.  The looks. Society and the approval needed.  It's too much and I just don't want to do it anymore. I wasn't sleeping, my mind couldn't slow down. I felt like I was going to black out, worried about my heart... anxiety.  I have learned that mourning is a big part of life.. like grieving, not beautiful sunsets and a hot cup o joe.  For me, grieving isn't a one part thing, it is ridiculously complex and slightly confusing. We have spent time grieving what we thought life was going to look like and time accepting that it is going to look differently. I had expected that my life was going to look exactly as I had always dreamt... wife, mom, social circles, world travels, big moves, promotions, aunts uncles grandparents, the whole shabang. Never in a million years did I think I would have huge bumps along the way, heavy topics to wade through, the worlds heaviest decisions to make, and then.... all the other normal stuff of wife,mom, social
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