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grief and all of it's super crazy awkwardness.

Life is hard. 
Like all of the time hard. 
There are breaks, of course, but the hard times feel REALLY hard, right?

       The last year has by far been the toughest of our lives. We have had not just ups and downs but mountains to climb and ditches we've fallen into. The mountains have been covered in snow with no trails. They've been overgrown with vines and prickly bushes. It's been hard to find water, we've had no way to purify it. Food has been scarce and we haven't had the resources to survive... BUT WE HAVE! The ditches have felt so so so deep as if there is no way out... but... WE'RE OUT.


SO much filth... so much mess... and yet the most peaceful I have ever felt in my life. Funny how that works.

This process has been super confusing. It seems as though every single day you recieve a new piece of information. On Monday you get GREAT news and on Tuesday your world crumbles for a few minutes until you can get your footing again.

I'm so thankful that I have chosen to share my story and my heart. I have found other mamas in the exact same boat that I am... they've become really wonderful friends and we've never even met. We grieve together, check on one another, we can relate. Everyone knows SOMEONE who knows someone who has had some type of Spina Bifida. They had a shunt, they're walking, they are off in college, dating and pursuing lives finest dreams. I appreciate that! I'm so glad that they're Spina Bifida story was one to document, to celebrate. I'm thankful that those children are living out their dreams, having a piece of normalcy, BEATING THE ODDS! Beautiful.

The truth is, people don't know what to say when a crisis hits. I get it. I think back to ALL of the times I have sent a text, a facebook message.. "Please please know I'm praying. I am here if you need an ear. Anything at all... ". I never know what to say when someone passes, a divorce takes place... when someone is grieving like FOR real grieving. I've seen those with broken hearts, I've given the look. The look of pity... if I could take it away I would... I WOULD. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

These people are surviving, living one day at a time, numb. They don't know what to say to you either, it's awkward. They feel bad when you are crying, they want to take YOUR pain for them away. It reminds them that they're in a ditch right now... or struggling to climb the mountain. The look. THE look.

I have struggled with the questions and the looks. And then I had a friend remind me that when people say "How are you? (with the look)", they're really saying, "I love you and I care. I would take your pain if I could." How precious is that? And it's TRUE. They love me and my family, they care! They wish they could say or do something to help pull me out of the ditch, they WOULD. They can't. They bring meals, they pray, they help me with my children, they send scripture, they give hugs with no words. It's EVERYTHING. The words don't even need to happen because I KNOW.

Real life... we're grieving. It's a lot to take in and we're doing it minute by minute and we're ok. This baby was perfectly knit for US and she's a miracle. We are her family and we will love her and support her in every way God leads us to do. She has a family around her that isn't even blood, but they love her the same. She's going to be great. She's going to have all of her needs met. She is NOT defined by this disease. HER STORY IS NOT OVER. No story is over...we're just in the center of it.

All that to say- THANK YOU for all of the ways you have said “I love you”. For everything... for loving our sweet Dahlia Mai. For loving us WELL. This is all HIS plan and we are so peaceful in that. This is all part of our story that was written so so so so LONG ago and we feel excited in that. It's all a reminder that our God is in control. He is in this every single second. The mess isn't so messy when you can remember that. The mountain isn't so icy... the ditch so deep. It's all our story and we are along for the ride. <3 xoxo

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