let. that. shit. go.

The stigma.

The expectations. 

The looks.

Society and the approval needed. 

It's too much and I just don't want to do it anymore. I wasn't sleeping, my mind couldn't slow down. I felt like I was going to black out, worried about my heart... anxiety. 

I have learned that mourning is a big part of life.. like grieving, not beautiful sunsets and a hot cup o joe.  For me, grieving isn't a one part thing, it is ridiculously complex and slightly confusing. We have spent time grieving what we thought life was going to look like and time accepting that it is going to look differently. I had expected that my life was going to look exactly as I had always dreamt... wife, mom, social circles, world travels, big moves, promotions, aunts uncles grandparents, the whole shabang. Never in a million years did I think I would have huge bumps along the way, heavy topics to wade through, the worlds heaviest decisions to make, and then.... all the other normal stuff of wife,mom, social circles etc etc. 

Having a child with special needs comes with heavy decisions and a lot of action. There isn't time to sit and think and process. There is no time for past or cares of future, it's now. This is why it's confusing when you're constantly being told how strong you are. Like why? We're just living, our life looks different than many but it's our normal and we don't have time to think about why it's complex and to be completely honest I DONT WANT TO think about the complexity of it all-  it's too much for my brain. 

Every step has been so unique and what I have now come to realize is that the physicians are strategic in giving you only enough information for a decision. They know that your brain can't handle any more than what is needed to decide between A and B. You are given enough info during the new born stage for each decision to take place. Once baby is stable, they drop a tiny bit more to get you to the next visit and so on. The truth is, they KNOW the likely outcome from the science and the research but it's just not appropriate to share that information because the parents may just crumble and combust right there in the office. (Insert all comments re: miracles and defying odds here).

So I find myself grieving at each stage. Sometimes it isn't a negative piece of information that I'm grieving. It may not be "oh, your daughter needs a surgery for XYZ." It may be that you're moving from one stage to another and grieving the loss of the previous life stage. We did newborn and survival. The first year was solely making sure that organs would work the way they should. We moved into the reconstructive stage where we then focused on more orthopedics and now we're heading into socialization. 

We're preparing for school in August, the care teams, the day to days. I'm answering all of the questions regarding needs and how things will work and then it's time to let go and cross my fingers. My grievance is worry and some fear. "What are your biggest concerns?" Umm... what AREN'T MY BIGGEST CONCERNS?

I have concerns, my brain feels overloaded at times, and I am juggling a million things... but all in all I feel happy. I think it's because I've finally settled into the roller coaster-ness of it all and instead of thinking about the past or worrying (like black out heart stopping WORRYING) I'm just chillin' right here right now. We have so many friends surrounding us and it's so sweet to constantly be reminded that we aren't carrying these heavy loads by ourselves. They know the right things to say and do at the exact right time. The tides are turning and I feel life shifting and for the first time in a minute, I am really excited. I'm happy. I'm nervous... but I'm happy. My heart is happy. My soul is happy. 

Circle... thank you for pulling me... us... out of the trenches. For keeping put. For showing up at the right times. For being our family and raising our babies with us. For date nights. For workouts. I feared that I wasn't going to get to this side, but here I am in Hilton Head with my Marine Corps family feeling the most thankful I have ever felt for love and sunshine. 

Let that shit go. The past.. the expectations... the negative people. There are rainbows in the storms. <3