This Life as I see it

For those of you who were interested in the addiction post, I kinda left you hangin'. He was bailed out,  ended up with a blood clot to the lung, went to rehab, walked out the same day, was arrested that night and put back in jail. He was bailed out, put on probation, violated probation 2 weeks later and arrested for selling. The mugshots are remarkable... you see the cycle. The affect of drugs.. exhaustion.. malnutrition... extreme sadness...embarrassment... disappointment. This is the first time I feel so sad for him. I'm sad for my dad who continues to get his hopes up, continues to believe his words and that he is ready to get well (because that's what parents do, always). He isn't ready and he may never be ready. Can you even imagine how terrible he feels right now? The cold jail, withdrawals... terrible, terrible withdrawals, people screaming, nasty food and no communication with the outside world. The calls he does make are full of shame and the peopl...

Courage. It breaks silence.  Everyone has a story. Some are happy, some are sad, some are still untold and forced to be buried.  As a child, our normal is molded by our home life. We believe truths that we are given, the pictures that are painted for us. We don't know any different, this normal is what becomes our reality. Parents want their children to have a better life than they had. Lets be real... bad stuff happens. What do they tell us and when do they choose to protect us? Some people are encouraged to keep their story quiet. Maybe silenced verbally and forced to internalize it all, or maybe to just ignore it and "focus on the positive". Maybe our childhood reality still stands. If your reality is still accurate,- WHOA!!! That is love, dude.  That is raw.. and real... it's truth covered in tons of unconditional love.  THAT is so beautiful.  Aging is so interesting. It's fun, awkward, weird, crazy......and interesting. My mom had ...

We're grindin'.. all of us... day in and day out. Wake up early, so much caffeine and the day to day begins.  My day looks like this: Wake up around 6 am and stumble to the kitchen to make 3... yes THREE cups of coffee- survival yall. I make breakfast for hungry mouths, lots of juices, lots of pancakes, and lots of me saying "SIT DOWN!". I then beg them to get dressed... I ask probably 6 times before I start pulling clothes off at the table and shoving shoes on feet while heads are in tablets (judge away). Everyone bundles up, Dollie gets strapped to my chest, and we hold hands and walk to school. We all give hugs and say goodbye and then Lola runs back and gives hugs again and we say goodbye once more. On the walk home, Brooks and I discuss important topics like, "Mommy, there was a bear in the front yard. Did you know they eat coconuts?" "Coconuts.. really?" "YEP!". Once we're home, I put dolls down for a mor...

Trust. As a small child you learn to trust. Your parents are there to guide you. To teach you what's hot, or to stay behind a railing. They teach you how to keep yourself safe from the outside world. You trust them. What they teach becomes your truth. This is how your life begins, it's your foundation. This is how the next 30 years will be shaped. As you navigate through a broken world you sling trust around maybe a bit too freely. You trust a friend or a boyfriend. A teacher. A pastor. You trust a neighbor or an uncle. Then your trust is broken and everything becomes so confusing. What is real? Those who you were told you could trust have lied to you. Was it one lie? Was it a magnitude of lies? What is real and what was a lie? The world suddenly becomes a bit of a blur. Who do you befriend and choose to be in relationships with? How do you decipher what is reality and what is not? Who can you trust moving forward? Being trustworthy is a difficult and rewa...

Today feels blah.  I am sad... tired... alone... depressed.  It feels like I have noone to call, noone who understands and honestly I think my support system is just tired also.  Supporting someone who is struggling is hard. There is so much encouraging, inviting and loving that goes into supporting a friend who's in a tough spot. It gets old... always having to reach out and check in. Always having to be the one to sprinkle some positivity, it can wear anyone out.  Lately it has felt like a dark cloud is following me around. It feels like the enemy is constantly feeding me lies about myself and who I am. I feel distant from God, I am struggling to hear Him. I long for old relationships with friends and family. I miss playdates, jokes, getting a beer. I miss going shopping with my mom. I miss alone time with my husband. I miss My Morning Jacket. I want a weekend getaway. I'm worried. We have 9 days until Dollie's next surgery. It is on her clubfeet...

As I drove up the W Road, I could see the greenery, the morning light. I could see the water trickle down each waterfall, feel the gas under my foot, but there was no noise. Even my thoughts, just pictures. Pictures of the last year, seeing my baby Doll for the first time, seeing Adam's face go from fear to total loss of control... seeing him, knowing he couldn't do anything, watching him cry helplessly. Pictures of the NICU, and then of every time I've handed my Doll over to someone and her look of confusion... my feeling of absolute fury that I couldn't explain it. Pictures of every time I've laid her down on an exam bed, watched her scream, feeling the urgency to snatch her up, nurse her and run. Pictures from my memories of stealing her and just running. Where in the hell have I been this last year? As I drove up the mountain, <<< BAMMMM>>> the sound popped on LOUDLY all at once. I heard my kids screaming in the car, Kids Place Live... I...

Life is hard. All of it. People are jerks, like most of them. It’s just how it is.  It makes me crazy.  I feel like I have this tiny little treasure box in my heart full of emotions. I keep that sucker locked most of the time. Sometimes i’m triggered and it gets unlocked. Rude people, kindergarten starting, a sassy 5 year old, someone who’s passive aggressive... whirlwind. I go spiraling! You know why? Because emotions are BIG and HARD and they’re ALLLLLL mine. I have every right to want to punch someone in the face for judging me without knowing any of the story...    but then, I gotta release that crap.  This is what i’m working on currently- not letting people’s actions create a reaction in me. Easy peasy, yeah?  Psssh. Legit, the thing I suck at most in this world.  It feels like all of my “hards” are flared. The relationships that I struggle with, they’re driving me bonkers. Dollies disability- were about to head back for ...