This Life as I see it

As I drove up the W Road, I could see the greenery, the morning light. I could see the water trickle down each waterfall, feel the gas under my foot, but there was no noise. Even my thoughts, just pictures. Pictures of the last year, seeing my baby Doll for the first time, seeing Adam's face go from fear to total loss of control... seeing him, knowing he couldn't do anything, watching him cry helplessly. Pictures of the NICU, and then of every time I've handed my Doll over to someone and her look of confusion... my feeling of absolute fury that I couldn't explain it. Pictures of every time I've laid her down on an exam bed, watched her scream, feeling the urgency to snatch her up, nurse her and run. Pictures from my memories of stealing her and just running. Where in the hell have I been this last year? As I drove up the mountain, <<< BAMMMM>>> the sound popped on LOUDLY all at once. I heard my kids screaming in the car, Kids Place Live... I...

Life is hard. All of it. People are jerks, like most of them. It’s just how it is.  It makes me crazy.  I feel like I have this tiny little treasure box in my heart full of emotions. I keep that sucker locked most of the time. Sometimes i’m triggered and it gets unlocked. Rude people, kindergarten starting, a sassy 5 year old, someone who’s passive aggressive... whirlwind. I go spiraling! You know why? Because emotions are BIG and HARD and they’re ALLLLLL mine. I have every right to want to punch someone in the face for judging me without knowing any of the story...    but then, I gotta release that crap.  This is what i’m working on currently- not letting people’s actions create a reaction in me. Easy peasy, yeah?  Psssh. Legit, the thing I suck at most in this world.  It feels like all of my “hards” are flared. The relationships that I struggle with, they’re driving me bonkers. Dollies disability- were about to head back for ...

Today I realized that many of the posts I have written up until now were thoughts in my mind or feelings in my heart, they exited their home, went through my fingertips to a keyboard and were transferred into a word like document (this blog) never to be seen or thought of again. Like... I kind of blacked out in the making. No editing. No reading, just write and send... never to read again. It's weird when someone says something to me in regards to a past post. Half of the time I'm confused... like WHOA... HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT ABOUT MY LIFE!!!!? Oh yeah, I write a blog. I legit have to check myself daily. RIGHT! I put my whole life out there for whoever wants to read it to do so. What is that... Crazy? Egotistical? Vulnerable? Therapeutic? All of the above? Who do I think I am? Why do I think I'm important enough to write my thoughts and opinions and post them to the internet for the world to see, ya know? Writing for me is therapy. It's that hour long session wi...

Dear Dolly,  We love you. All 5 of us. LOVE you.  We will be taking our first family of 5 vacay next month for our 4 year old, Lola’s, bday. Destination- DOLLYWOOD! Why? Because she loves you. Like LOOOOOOVES you.  A little bit about us: We are the Harmon’s. Adam and Emily are the parents to 3 children who are way too close together 😴: Lola-4, Brooks-2, and Dollie Mae- 10 months.  About a year and a half ago Lola discovered you, “Dolly Partons”, and she fell in love. Car rides became live concerts. The set list? Always a Jolene and 9-5. When she saw your pictures and your beautiful blonde hair, there was NO turning back! Brooks got on board and it was the best to hear a 1 year old singing songs when he could hardly talk.  They use Adams ukulele as their guitar and they sing and strum.  Then they discovered “Coat of Many colors” and Lola had a ton of questions about the meaning. She told me how rich you were, but I explained to her that ...

Momming is all I know right now. It's legit my whole life. Every smile, every struggle, every meal, every activity, all of it, #momlife. I would apologize for the repetition of mom talk, but if you're reading this you might be a mom too. Maybe not. If not, this is MOM LIFE- harder than thug life. SO MUCH HARDER than thug life. SO as a mom you're always talking to other moms... WHOA, has your child ever... today was SO hard!... I hate these hours!!!... what did you do when so and so did this?... Like on a daily you hear."We have just had a DAY!" "So and So has been a PILL today!" "It's been a STRUGGLE"... "He's been a BEAR!" That's polite. Kids can be JERKS. Not pills... not bears... JERKS... straight up butt heads. Today I was a terrible mom. I yelled. I cussed. I said SHUT UP! I used words like stupid, made all the threats. . . it was ROUGH! Here is the TRUTH: nobody was a pill and we didn't have a "...

I have been lost. In adulthood. In wife life. In motherhood. Where did I go? Me... Emily. The photo junkie, jewelry artist, music loving, traveling fool. What happened to date nights, or even late nights? Slow dancing to Billie Holiday with a bottle of red while fish tacos cook in the kitchen. I day dream of Costa Rica and shopping sprees, sleeping in with my handsome man next to me and having coffee in bed. Let's talk self care. It used to mean pedicures and massages, a weekend getaway or a girls night. It's no secret that life is hard and somewhere in the midst I've lost myself. I have forgotten who i am aside from being a wife, a mom, a friend, a daughter. I don't get my hair done or my nails. I would die for a massage or just a fancy bath where I could soak as long as I want. I could use a few strokes of mascara and could totally benefit from some whitening strips. I didn't realize I had abandoned not just these superficial things but also TRULY carin...

Praying for a miracle. It’s ahmazzzing how many times Dollie has met someone who says “I’ve been praying for you! It’s so nice to meet you.” Like, what?! People have prayed for her and not even known her... or us! Can you even fathom that? MEETING someone who has already been praying for you!!? Often I hear, "I'm praying for a miracle". Its got me thinking... what is that? What's the miracle? Is it that she will walk? That her Spina Bifida will be cured? So here's the thing... I wouldn't take it away. Why? Because God PERFECTLY knit her together for US. He chose HER to be our baby and US to be her family, like whhhhat? This story was written so so so so so SO long ago and we're finally living it. He knew exactly what we needed and gifted us with Dolls. Does that even make sense? I think of it kind of like my 16th birthday hoping for a car... a beater of a car, ANY car! I would LOVE a Honda Civic but will be totally cool with mom's h...